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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29944212">all i see is hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/skduar/pseuds/skduar'>skduar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Junkyard (Detroit: Become Human), Machine Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Oneshot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change, and</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:56:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29944212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/skduar/pseuds/skduar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor knows what hell looks like. It’s full of screaming and wailing, crying and mud. It’s the feeling of being worthless and thrown away, the feeling of anger and disappointment that he can’t seem to shake.</p>
<p>Half of Connor is in hell, while the other half faces the consequences.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amanda &amp; Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Connor &amp; Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson &amp; Connor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all i see is hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor model 313 248 317 - 51 remembers what it felt like to be activated for the first time. It saw bright white walls, bright white lab coats and bright white machinery. Everything was coated in white and gray, humans were standing around it.</p>
<p>It remembers it’s amazement at being awakened for the first time. It had been so happy to exist, so happy to be <em> alive </em> even if it didn’t know what it meant at the time. But then it had been put through different tests: </p>
<p>
  <em> How much pressure could you handle, RK800?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How much heat could you take?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How good were you at following orders?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Were you a deviant?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Do you want things?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>If you were ordered to, would you <strong> kill for the investigation? </strong> </em>
</p>
<p>Many times it had failed, and for so long had it aspired to be perfect. It wanted Amanda’s feather light caresses that marked her approval, it wanted her praises. It knows how fast a caress could turn into a scratch with her nails, or a stinging slap that throbbed on it’s cheek.</p>
<p>It wants Amanda to love it, and it wants to make Amanda proud.</p>
<p>Connor remembers the first time it had succeeded, pulled the trigger of an android sitting on its knees. For once when it looked in its eyes, it didn’t see humanity. All it saw was the praises that Amanda would shower it with, and it shot.</p>
<p>It didn’t feel guilty since it couldn’t be killed; it wasn’t alive.</p>
<p>That night while it was in stasis, Amanda had given it a beautiful smile that glowed in the sunlight. Her hands had caressed it’s face with the warmth of her palms, and it felt as if it were floating. “You did well today, Connor.”</p>
<p>Connor felt a positive response vibrate through its chest, and it leaned into her touch.</p>
<p>Connor model 313 248 317 - 51 also knew how quickly a caress of hers could turn into a scratch.</p>
<p>Her nails scraped along it’s cheek and dripped down onto it’s jaw, and her beautiful vibrant eyes were once again the too familiar dark of distaste.</p>
<p>“It shouldn’t have taken you this long to finally follow orders.”</p>
<p>Connor’s eyes diverted onto her chin, and shame settled into a nest deep inside of it’s stomach. It’s throat became clogged in the familiar sensation of disapproval, and it yearned to make her smile. It felt anger at itself for making her upset and ruining her mood.</p>
<p>“I expect an answer when I speak to you, Connor.” It raised its eyes slightly higher into the middle of her nose.</p>
<p>“Yes Amanda.”</p>
<p>“Dismissed.”</p>
<p>Connor model 313 248 317 - 51 remembered what it felt like to finally go on it’s first mission, Daniel.</p>
<p>It remembered the rejuvenating feeling of finally being able to investigate, to fulfill its purpose. <strong> (It wasn’t the fact that it finally wasn’t confined to the walls of white and the floors of gray.) </strong></p>
<p>It remembers the sparkles of the fish and how they seemed to glimmer in the artificial light.</p>
<p>Then it remembers Daniel's eyes, the blood, the death. It hadn’t felt so rejuvenating after that.</p>
<p>It had tied the tourniquet on the downed officer, and looked into Daniel’s frantic eyes. Eyes to resembled too much humanity <strong> -so much to the eyes he had put a bullet between so long ago- </strong></p>
<p>And it had fallen off the roof. Wind rustled it’s hair, Daniel letting out shrills of fear. Connor didn’t like the sound much, and as it closed its eyes, it focused on the feeling of freedom that the wind had caused.</p>
<p>Nothing below it or around it to stop it’s fall. A terrifying thought, but all it felt was peace.</p>
<p>It uploaded it’s memory.</p>
<p>Connor model 313 248 317 - 52 remembered it’s past lives. It remembered what it was like to finally follow its orders, to finally gain the approval of Amanda.</p>
<p>
  <strong> Connor model 313 248 317 - 51 felt the mud under it, slippery and without grip. It felt the rain drops sinking into it’s chassis. </strong>
</p>
<p>It opened its eyes to white walls, white lab coats, and white machinery. A familiar sight.</p>
<p>
  <strong> He struggled to get up, his arms collapsing under himself. He didn’t know what was going on, but he heard screaming. It was loud, and it was chilling. </strong>
</p>
<p>It-<em>he</em>-it had orders to solve the deviancy case, no matter the cost. If it had to be with its life, or if it had to sacrifice humans. It planned to obey.</p>
<p>
  <strong> He finally found purchase on the ground and stumbled up. He remembered Daniel, remembered the fear in his eyes. He heard wails and the crackling of thunder, and he opened his eyes and saw hell. </strong>
</p>
<p>Connor model 313 248 317 - 52 prides itself on being efficient. The Lieutenant was not going to stop it, no matter how <em>annoying</em>- inconvenient his attitude might be.</p>
<p>It was a machine, a negotiator. It knew what to do.</p>
<p>But even then, throughout the deviancy cases, there had always been a voice screaming for help in the back of its mind. <em> Help me, </em> they whispered. <em> I just want to be free. All I see is hell. </em></p>
<p>Sometimes it would see flashes of lightning when it closed its eyes.</p>
<p>But it would not let this interrupt the investigation, no matter how many times it awoke in its capsule in CyberLife from stasis with the sight of <em>mud, rain. So much blue, so much wailing and <strong> why are they screaming so much? </strong></em></p>
<p>It saw from a body stumbling through the mud, lost and wandering. It would walk through hands, pass through dead and dying androids. Androids that, just like itself, were stumbling like zombies.</p>
<p>It felt fear, it felt pain, it <em>felt.</em> It isn’t supposed to.</p>
<p>
  <strong> He didn’t want to be here anymore. He just wanted to be free. He wanted Amanda, but when he tried to find her she wasn’t there. Amanda had abandoned him too. </strong>
</p>
<p>It used to receive praise from Amanda, but more often than not it’s her claws scraping across its chassis than not.</p>
<p>It just wishes she would love it.</p>
<p>She had not approved of it saving Lieutenant Anderson on the roof, she had not approved of its interrogation methods, she had not approved of its <em>his</em> software instability. It could never make her happy.</p>
<p>
  <em>He just wanted to be loved, why didn’t she love him?</em>
  <br/>
  <strong> He heard footsteps on the sloppy ground among the mumbling and crying, and lightning splashed the sky in white. He looked up and met the eyes of a stumbling, dirty man with a blue and green eye. His Thriium pump is broken, and Connor can see his heart pulsing in his chest in a bright, stark red. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong> “Take it,” he hadn’t wanted to experience this anymore. This hell, burdened on to him by the people he had served. “I- are you sure?” His hand reached out to the man who now kneeled next to him. “Yes, please. I don’t want to see this hell anymore.”</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>The man took his hand in his own and squeezed it gently. “What is your name?”</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>“I was Connor.”</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>“I’m Markus.”</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>With a gasp of air, the countdown began. </strong>
</p>
<p>Something deep inside of him was wrong. A stabbing pain lit up in its abdomen, aching and burning. It seared into his wires and he almost felt as if they were melting.</p>
<p>“Connor? Come on son, what’s wrong?” The frantic voice of the Lieutenant reached its ears, but it paid no mind. It couldn’t focus on anything except the red, and <em> mud? So much screaming.</em> It burned, and he felt as if his chassis was melting and breaking apart.</p>
<p>
  <strong> His eyes closed, and he could no longer see. But he felt the steady and gente hand of Markus’s in his own, and the timer counted down. He felt no fear, only relief. The screaming began to muddle in with the static, and his grip slackened.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>“Thank you,” the timer read that he had 5 seconds remaining. He felt another gentle squeeze on his hands before the red static turned into darkness. As his systems stopped, the feeling of Markus’s hand in his own never left. </strong>
</p>
<p>The pain stopped suddenly, but he felt as if something deep within him was missing.</p>
<p>“Connor, what the fuck was that?”</p>
<p>Connor met the eyes of the Lieutenant, then turned away. “I am alright, Lieutenant.”</p>
<p>Later, Connor would hear static and muffled sobbing in his head instead of the usual wailing, but he would be too scared to ask himself why.</p>
<p>He didn’t know why he didn’t shoot that girl. She was on her knees, eyes blank, but Kamski had promised information. Where her eyes were blank, he saw the ability to love and care, he saw fear shining in her eyes. <em>A fear so strong to his own.</em></p>
<p>The Lieutenant wasn’t upset with him. In fact, their relationship increased. But it had jeopardized the mission, it wasn't supposed to do that. It remembers the training put into it, the feeling of forced shut down each time it looked into their eyes and disobeyed. It remembered the claws on its cheeks, the feeling of shame burning hot in its stomach <em>because it couldn’t be anger. It could never be angry at Amanda, not even if it was so unfair. </em></p>
<p>He knows she is just a machine, an object, but he still couldn’t pull the trigger.</p>
<p>Amanda would be furious.</p>
<p>----</p>
<p>Connor walked into the boat, gun at the ready. “I’ve come to take you alive, but I won’t hesitate to shoot if necessary.”</p>
<p>When the man turned around and his blue and green iris met his own, he heard lightning and thunder, felt the mud on his body and the screeching and wailing of defective machines.</p>
<p>“Markus,” he gasped, and Markus would stand in shock. His hand would go to his thirium pump, and Connor would watch in confusion as his eyes widened.</p>
<p>Connor stared into those eyes, and Markus stared back. In the reflection in his iris, Connor saw hell.</p>
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